Over the past year, I’ve been sparring with two very good friends about “my” music snobbery problem.

By critiquing the music preferences of others, I have apparently raised their amicability eyebrows, and, well, thank goodness.  Imagine the size of jackhole I’d be without them.

I value these friends.  In fact, I would trust them with my kids, my money, and even my collection of rare beer cans, which includes a 7 oz. can of Schlitz, a can of Billy Beer, and a true antique: a 12 oz. can of Olde English 800.  The 12 oz. obviously became extinct with the advent of rap, but that’s for another article.

Despite our mutual chummitude, these friends both deserve punches in the temple – not the fatal kind of punch – just one hard enough to stimulate a robust conversation, which is really the whole point here.  Why a temple punch?   Simply because they like some bad music . . . like Counting Crows, for example, whose vocalist squeals like a donkey.  Surely you’ve heard that one song* where he squawks, “HYEI-HYEI-HYEI-HYEI!!!” over and over; not Mr. Jones but the other one the radio stations play, presumably because someone bribed them with billions of dollars since no one – other than my friend – could possibly enjoy such banal tootery.  *I searched and searched on You Tube but after 3 songs I just couldn’t hack it anymore.

When I stumble upon this song, I go Turret’s instantly and taser my radio.  Really.  And if you’re wondering how I got my mitts on a taser, my police friend “Real” Vic Hung got me one cheap.  I told him I wouldn’t tell anyone that he lifted it during the bust of a gay drug-lord ninja in the Heights.   I guess that cat’s out of the bag now.  (Vic, I’ll send you another Donut Coupon Book).

Now.  In case you hadn’t heard, tasering your radio has been deemed “poor electronic stewardship” by the EICC.  They also warn that it might even fry your car battery if you’re not careful.  Amazingly, many cases of dead car batteries are a result of radio tasering.  An official but highly classified government report documents this problem in fine detail.  My “Pentagon Pal” tells me it even lists the music groups or artists that caused the majority of these rage-o-ramic reactions.  To quote Dave Barry, you might think I am making this up but I’m not.

The inquiring mind wants to know what groups are on this list.  Fear not.  I have them right here, but to protect myself from government search-bots, I have to give them to you in “code”:

1. Air-O’smith
2. Hoe-Zay Fell-ee-see-AH-no
3. Air Ick Klap Ton
4. Len Knee Crav It’s
5. Jeff For Son Star Ship
6. Gawns & Row Zizz

How was this list compiled?  Well, it’s sort of like the government putting on Internal Affairs clothing.  They simply studied cops and documented all radio taserings during a certain date range.

Are you following this?  I’m not, so let me explain.

You see, cops (that’s “Constables On Patrol”) do quite a bit of patrolling.  Patrolling is generally synonymous with “driving around”.  And who drives around in complete silence?  Not you, and certainly not cops.  They’re blaring FM airwaves.  In fact, when you hear that car’s subwoofer thumping from your living room, and you cuss those damn teenagers driving down your street, think again.  It’s those damn cops ignoring city noise ordinances.

Anyway, these cops – like any other innocent listeners – sometimes happen upon Counting Crows, or perhaps Boston, or even one of these top five listed above.  Hence the radio tasering problem.  (Interesting sidebar:  my speculation is that #2 from the list was unevenly high in the month of December, presumably because of the song “Fell Eze Naw Vee Dodd.”  I would also expect radio taserings to reach in the millions if Gawns & Row Zizz ever came out with a Chris Miss album.  SkwarneyBlarns . . . ).

There is a smaller but more significant study underway about Turret’s television taserings (TTTs).  This is because bad music also appears on TV.  I must confide this happened to me recently.  Like any red-blooded American, I was tuned into CBS to watch the Masters golf coverage , and of course to see how Tiger Woods would cope with dumb media questions, tournament pressure, the crowds, etc.  How did CBS kickoff its coverage? By treating us to a TTT delight:  a Darius Rucker rendering of Ray Charles’ classic Georgia.  I couldn’t find this anywhere on the web, but it was the most abominable vocal performance since Darius’s own karaoke performance seven months earlier (viewable below).

The stellarosity speaks for itself, don’t you agree?

As you might expect, I had my lawyer draft a letter to Mr. Rucker in order to recoup the cost of our newly tasered 52″ television set.  That S.O.B. can afford it, but it’s not because Hootie & the Blowfish sold millions of records (as you were thinking smugly to yourself).  NO.  In fact Darius Rucker is as “Old Money” as it gets.  The Rucker bloodline is directly connected to Blanton Trumpet, the 3-nippled dwarf genius who invented the Blanton Trumpet – which has been the trumpet of choice for jazz musicians since the advent of jazz, which became popular right before the advent of Olde English 800 in 12 oz. cans, which of course became extinct with the advent of rap.

MORE AURAL CRIMES

Then there’s my OTHER friend, who’s all girly for his 80s hair metal bands* – you know – bands like The Great White Lion of Warrant and Cinderella the Poison Winger – all of whom are still releasing records today.  This is flabbergasting.  *OTHER friend will openly admit to “still” liking this music; and since I suspected him of lying I even made him take a lie detector test.  He really does like . . . . . . . .

Yet, the persistence of such groups has me double-taking.  Reconsidering.  Am I wrong about this music?  Shall I reconsider my take?  Does “TO EACH HIS OWN” really purge listeners clean like Jesus’ blood purges all sins?

I guess the end of the story is this:  part of what makes the music I like COOL is that YOU DON’T LIKE IT.  Have you ever gotten pissed when an act you knew about from the very beginning finally hit it big and got popular?  The reason is because it’s like your little treasure.  Music gives some sweet “connective tissue” that can’t be taken away.  Plus, we want to share it, but not whore it to everyone, because it’s ours.

Moreover, what makes music beautiful is that everyone’s tastes are different.  This separation is crucial.  Our tastes give us an identity.  That’s why it’s so damaging to slam someone’s musical tastes because you’re really slamming them, their emotional IQ, etc.  From that vantage point, I can see why sensitivity is a must when asserting an opinion.  “To me” might be the most valuable pre-emptive words you could ever say.  Watch:

1. “Sammy Hagar’s latest song sure sucks the big one.”
2. “To me, Sammy Hagar’s latest song sure sucks the big one.”

See?  With a simple two-word disclaimer, you’ve doffed your cap to your friend who, for some reason (probably ear hallucinogens), happens to prefer the Red Rocker.  You’ve opened a channel for frank discussion.  You’ve even provided an adequate excuse to open a frosty beverage – all without the omniscient proclamation of Sammy Hagar’s suckdom.  You’ve merely suggested it as a possible truth.

I am a realist.  While I have my opinions, I suppose I must defer to others’ likes as well, no matter how BonJovian they may be.  Thanks to my friends, I have changed – softened for the better . . . yea brothers . . .even since the 4th paragraph where I slammed Counting Crows – hence my friend and his feelings / identity.  Sorry bro.  Temple punches and beers soon!*

*OTHER friend prefers titty twisters and knows the consequences of such action:  death.

Gosh.  There’s SO MUCH MORE TO THIS STORY . . . perhaps to be continued in a subsequent post.  One key nugget is the fact that I ALSO CLAIM TO BE A MUSICIAN OF SORTS.  You may also be asking, “Gee, Jeff.  May we subject the music YOU like to our own Suck Test?”  The answer is maybe, because this opens an entirely new 12 oz. can of Olde English 800.