The World’s 2nd Most Absurd Question
So already you’re asking yourself:
“Well, what’s the FIRST most absurd question?”
That’s easy. It’s found in this 4 second movie clip:
Like most people, you probably aren’t aware of the health benefits of eating animal fat. That’s OK, though. I’m not here to tell you to eat like Spaulding from Caddyshack.
I am, however, ready to ask you the world’s 2nd most absurd question:
“Are you gonna use both of your kidneys, like, for the rest of your life?”
Ridiculous, right? So ridiculous it trumps any sarcastic attempt to humorize it. Just like this picture my friend sent me the other day, which included the caption, “I have nothing to add to this.”
Now that your mind is in ‘dirty’ mode, here’s the naked truth: it looks like within <insert your guesstimated amount of time> I am going to need a kidney transplant. Last Tuesday, I had the awkward, morbid conversation with my nephrologist about the situation. He said he thinks it’s time to “discuss with family and friends” the possibility of . . . eating your fat. NO, that’s absurd! Rather, the possibility of . . . what’s the best way to put this . . . OBTAINING a kidney from them? BILKING THEM OUT OF a kidney? RIPPING A MAJOR ORGAN from their innards? HALVING THEIR RENAL STATURE?
You may know more about kidneys than about the health benefits of eating animal fat. You’ve heard that humans function easily on one kidney. You’ve heard maybe that one kidney becomes stronger in the absence of a second one – much like other senses become stronger if someone loses his sight or his hearing. You’ve also heard that altruistic organ donors must clear a number of tests and hurdles to even qualify for donation. All of these are true.
If you’re reading this, you might already be leaping forward to:
- OH SHIT please don’t let me have the same blood type as Timpanaro
- OH DEAR GOD please don’t let him ask me for a kidney
- I SURE HOPE that S.O.B. doesn’t die on me
- I SURE HOPE he doesn’t ask for my fat. I’m ordering chicken from now on.
LISTEN. Don’t worry. I may not be the brightest bulb in the toolkit, but I’m smart enough to know I won’t ask you (directly) the World’s 2nd Most Absurd Question. Me smart enough do that to not to.
You need not worry. Even in this early stage of kidney OBTAINMENT I’m getting unsolicited offers. It is quite insane. Three people have already piped up, as if it’s volunteering to go on a pleasure cruise to the Caribbean, or a stroll in the park. So I’m hopeful – at least initially – at my friends’ percolating interest in voluntary medical experiments.
At least it’s not Yorkshire in the 1950s.
A second sign of hope for which I am thankful: it’s 2010, not 1910.
(In the year 1910)
“Doc, we’d like to have a kidney transplant performed.”
“Have you both alerted the undertaker?”
So there’s hope; I’m told kidney transplants “happen every day” – like “making sandwiches happens every day” apparently. But it’s an odd situation, really. One where you DON’T WANT TO KNOW how much your friends really treasure you. Yet you kinda need to find out. And it’s 101% OK if they absolutely refuse.
See, it’s just that . . . . I’m cornered. Lupus has kicked my kidneys all the way to Kansas and back. So much so that I don’t call them kidneys anymore, I
call them (lovingly) “quitneys.” I can’t blame them. If I’d been abused like that, I’d have opened the can of Quit a long time ago.
But you’d be amazed at how all the navel gazing and aw-shucksing can be eliminated by a sincere offering of a kidney. Kind of a rubber-meets-the-road type thing. In fact, as a result of this post, it won’t shock me to have several of you (ARRGGGH!) come forward with your friendship in one hand, a scalpel in the other, and a bottle of Everclear in the other (I have friends with three arms, like the guy in The Dark Backward). “Here you go!” you will say cheerfully. “NO REGRETS, MAN! Hey, how about an arm, too, while we’re at it?”
But even if NO ONE DOES, I won’t be shocked. What’s the argument? “Oh come ON, dude. It’s just a KIDNEY. I’ll buy you a bag of parsnips, you wuss.” No way. It’s more like asking someone to come rescue you on the moon in a fucking Volkswagen.
There’s some bitter irony here. Maybe karma. About 18 years ago, I knew a lady from a TV job I had. Some time after I’d left the company, I saw her in a grocery store. In an uncomfortable exchange, she explained how she needed a kidney transplant in order to survive. She asked, “Do you know anyone who might . . . ?” I crept away mumbling a few niceties but mostly hiding my terror. I just felt a dirty pity for her. But the pity didn’t substitute for “I really care.” I didn’t. Maybe it’s because I didn’t know her well enough, but I was just not moved to help. In fact, I was even a little appalled by the thought. I just couldn’t get my mind around that situation; at 22 I was more interested in finding chicks and increasing the number of beers I could drink in one night without puking. I could not summon one ounce of compassion.
I don’t know what happened to her. But I hope she found someone looney enough to say OK. Kind of like where I am. I guess when you’re faced with a serious medical situation (or kidney dialysis, which I’ve heard is about as much fun as sitting through a million Hillary Clinton speeches on voice helium), it’s easier to suppress the absurdity of the World’s 2nd Most Absurd Question.
I think I’m going to live a long time. People live full lives with other people’s kidneys; like 35-40 years. My doc says I’m a good transplant candidate. And even if no one from my circle of family and friends offers THE ORGAN, I will still qualify for the Donor List soon enough.
So the shame is gone. Because you see me here, talking openly about it, asking you, you lucky person, the World’s 2nd Most Absurd Question. If you know of anyone . . . . well . . . I don’t know how to phrase it quite yet . . . And, oh yes. I lied earlier when I said I wouldn’t ask you directly. Consider this blog entry as ME ASKING. And if you tell me to take a flying leap, I’ll toast you. You deserve both of your kidneys.
Gotta hit ‘Publish’ before these drugs wear off. But if you get a crazy streak going, chat me up and we’ll talk swappin’ organs. I may have an extra pancreas for you.
P.S. Bring me some fat.
Related material:
KIDNEY TRANSPLANT PROCESS & BASICS
May 19, 2010
My stepdad had a kidney transplant almost 3 yrs ago. He was on dialysis for 4 yrs prior to that. We went through all of what you describe; my stepbrother came down to the last test (the one no one fails) and found out his kidney is four-chambered and thus no match for anyone. If you’d like my morbid take on the situation, your best bet will be the transplant list. Take any trips you’d like to now, cause once on “the list,” you’re not going anywhere (you must stay near your transplant team), and once you find a kidney, you’re not going anywhere for a few years either because they will be watching you for rejection.
Encourage people to become organ donors because, unfortunately, that is the most likely source of a kidney. My stepdad’s kidney came from a 19 yr old kid who died while driving drunk. Incredibly sad, but the kid’s organs went into 15 people. So, as odd and distasteful as it may sound, organ donation is where you will likely find your match. You will not like dialysis at all and it will be a while before they figure out exactly what they can take out/put back in before you stop getting sick after each treatment, but it will keep you alive and that’s what you have to focus on. Once they insert the permanent stent, it will get better. They don’t tell you these kinds of things and they won’t even if you ask. But ask and ask and ask — anything and everything you can think of, even if it’s just an inkling of a feeling. The more you know, the better you can prepare.
The good news is that once a donor is found, it really is a simple procedure and life will improve greatly after that. You won’t believe how much better you will feel, so keep in mind that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and just keep marching toward it. Good luck and God’s speed.
May 19, 2010
Wow – thanks for that boatload of info. I’m pretty good at asking questions so I don’t feel like I’ll be groping around in the dark from that angle. Plus I’ve got family in the medical profession so I’m well coached, if not pestered from time to time.
My kidney doc said he would prefer for me to skip dialysis altogether and go straight to transplant; but I know that all depends on finding a willing donor & timing, of course. I don’t yet qualify for the recipient list (I think kidney function must be < 20% and I'm still hovering at 24%.) But now I REALLY hope to skirt it based on your description.
Lots of travel planned this year, too . . .
May 19, 2010
Jeff, good for you for having the guts to put this out there. My mom also needs a kidney and it is such a delicate and tricky subject. Surprisingly, we’ve found that strangers and mere acquaintances have been much more generous with their offers than some family members. It’s hard because there is the implication that one *should* offer a kidney to a loved one, but we mustn’t think ill of anyone for exercising their right to keep their organs in their own body if that is their desire. Maybe it’s because of all the baggage families have, it kind of removes altruism from the equation and turns it into obligation. My mom won’t let me be tested, but if her condition deteriorates I will do it on my own. Anyhow, best of luck to you in your quest!
May 19, 2010
That is great info, Hel. Thank you, and best of luck to your mom.
May 19, 2010
Hel – I meant “insight” not “info!”
May 19, 2010
Encourage people to become organ donors because, unfortunately, that is the most likely source of a kidney. My stepdad’s kidney came from a 19 yr old kid who died while driving drunk. Incredibly sad, but the kid’s organs went into 15 people. So, as odd and distasteful as it may sound, organ donation is where you will likely find your match. You will not like dialysis at all and it will be a while before they figure out exactly what they can take out/put back in before you stop getting sick after each treatment, but it will keep you alive and that’s what you have to focus on. Once they insert the permanent stent, it will get better. They don’t tell you these kinds of things and they won’t even if you ask. But ask and ask and ask — anything and everything you can think of, even if it’s just an inkling of a feeling. The more you know, the better you can prepare.
+1
May 20, 2010
Drudgery, negativity, angst, etc. Bad, bad things. Really bad things. Oh, wait…
Chin up, buddy. Of course you have to do all the nasty stuff that comes with this, but you’re strong. I know you’ve forgotten that, but you have to have hope and know that I (and everyone else that KNOWS you) love and support you at least 118.5%.
If they’d let me, I’d give you one of my chemo-riddled kidneys (I’d turn me down if I were you, I know where they’ve been). I’ll just come stay with you at the hospital and kick your ass at words with friends (scrabble) again or whatever I can do.
Sadness, misery, hopelessness… Crap! STOP IT!
You can delete this after you read it. I’d hate for all the woe-is-youers to get their feelings hurt (not really).
May 21, 2010
JDS – as always; I appreciate you saying what you think. But I’m not sure how this post was construed as wholly negative(?) Granted, I don’t always see the positive side of things, but this was more of telling the truth / reality of the situation, not bemoaning the truth (even though I HAVE felt depressed, frustrated, and woe-is-me). If you go back & read it, it says “I’m hopeful” and “I’m thankful” etc. Not sure where you found “hopelessness” & “drudgery” in there.
I know negativity isn’t constructive in any way; yet I don’t think we should confuse negativity with stating the facts. For example, negativity would be, “Dammit, I lost the first ever game of Scrabble w/ Shadle, and it was BECAUSE I HAD FIVE I’s the whole game.” The FACT IS THAT you’ll probably win 1 of 10, and that game was your one. HEY! LOOKY THERE – some positivity AND truth rolled up in one statement!!!
Bring it on.
May 21, 2010
Hmmm, not the most compelling request for an organ one would expect to read, but a request none-the-less. No grovelling before God and asking for prayers? Dude, you’re trying to sell something here…
Ok, give your sis a hug next time you see her as she is out in search of a new kidney for you. I’m O Positive, so what’s the next step? Just email me.
May 21, 2010
Bill – thanks for responding. Still doing legwork / homework on the “next steps” required but I know step A. #1 is blood type so you’re in the game. Hopefully within a week or two I’ll have a website set up that lets people know how they can help, what to do, where to go, what’s involved, etc. – everything from antigen testing to simply becoming an organ donor in TX. I will, however, send you information directly as I now have (A) your email and (B) an inquiry into next steps (HUGE THANK YOU / FIST BUMP / ETC.)
May 22, 2010
No, dummy, I meant the other people who posted were being negative. You did good.
May 22, 2010
And you’re wrong about scrabble. I beat you because of the morphine drip.
May 24, 2010
double woon socket! my kidneys are a mal fuer. otherwise, I would dar.
May 24, 2010
sorry have to save mine for ivan. hang tough and keep up the awesome attitude!
May 25, 2010
Ooh, I hope my post wasn’t construed as negative, it sure wasn’t intended to come across that way! The familial dynamic is complex and I was only trying to point out that it’s surprising how different people react to situations like this.
My mom’s kidney numbers are about the same as yours, Jeff–hovering in the low 20′s. A year ago she was about to have a transplant with a friend who had offered. She went in for her pre-op a week prior to the surgery, and they decided they couldn’t transplant because her kidney function was too high! Apparently new studies show there’s a very fine line between low enough to require one, and just high enough that you increase the chance of rejection. She was able to get her numbers up in a year from 21% to 27% and in the year since then, they’re in the 23% range and holding. (For unrelated reasons the friend is no longer a potential donor.)
Do you follow a kidney patient diet? Limit foods containing phosphorus, potassium, and other minerals, not too much protein, etc? My mom is pretty careful about what she eats and we attribute her good numbers largely to that.
Like you, my mom is not a great candidate for dialysis, so we are looking at a transplant as an eventual necessity. Her kidneys were damaged 29yrs ago from chemo for ovarian cancer (which she survived, amazingly.) In ’08 she had 2 AV fistula surgeries to prep her for dialysis, but neither was successful–her veins were basically falling apart. They put a hose in her arm but if she were to need dialysis they’d have to do it via a port, which all agree is not a good option. So, donation it is. It is fantastic and wonderful how many strangers and people in our circle of friends have shown interest.
The idea of a 2- or 3-way matched pair donation is great too. 2 or more recipients bring donors and they exchange.
A living donor is far far better than a cadaver kidney, too, so you’re doing the right thing by pursuing this rather than counting on The List.
Best of luck and good health to you!
xx H