There are at least three irrefutable reasons you should be watching the World Cup.

As you will see, none of them has much to do with soccer itself.  While I love the sport, I understand its detractors.  One friend just made the comment that he’d “rather watch a 0-0 hockey game, because at least there’s a chance a fight will break out.”

Sure, there’s little scoring, and the from a spectator’s perspective, it might be an acquired taste.  But the World Cup has an undeniable spirit – and therefore, an appeal – that’s got most of the world hooked.  So if you like soccer AND the mania around the World Cup, you’ve got it made right now.

First, there are the vuvuzelas.  If you’ve tuned in for even one second of any telecast, you’ve heard the constant whirring that sounds like a swarm of bees – but one where the bees are the size of pigs.  While some get annoyed, to me it is a sound both calming and invigorating all at once.  Keep those horns blaring, Africa.

Second, it’s an excuse to get shitfaced at 7 a.m..  It’s a global celebration!   And, well, your team is playing and you need to take the edge off, especially if THAT OTHER TEAM (which you hate xenophobically to the point of declaring war – at least for 90 minutes) should happen to score a goal and chucking the remote isn’t enough of a release.

Third, to behold the passion of the world’s most watched sport; certainly the rabid fans and support, but more specifically, the Spanish-speaking commentators at the moment a goooooooooooooooooooooooooal is scored.

These blissfully insane calls started with Andres Cantor back in the early 90s.  But the tradition has been carried forth by virtually all Spanish-speaking commentators.  If World Cup fever hasn’t hit you yet, just tune in to the Spanish broadcast to hear the pandemonium once the ball hits the net.

“But I don’t speak Spanish very well, and those commentators talk SO FAST!” you contest.

Ah, whatever.  The ESPN guys are so vanilla.  It’s worth sacrificing mere word comprehension for the longest one-syllable word ever:  ”goal.”

To help you transition, I’m going to give you this simple list of frequently used words and phrases that I’ve been able to glean from watching Univision over the years . . . and words that probably fall outside the scope of your 6th grade Spanish class.

1. esferico (es-FAIR-ee-co) – a cutesy word they use for “ball” (close to the word “sphere” – - get it?).  balon (bah-LONE) is another word for ‘ball’.
2. empate (em-PAH-tay) – a tie (for example, “Los Kiwis estan buscando el empate” = The Kiwis (the team from New Zealand) are looking for the tie.”
3. arquero (ar-CARE-oh) – goalie.  Also, “guardametas” (literally, “keeper of the goal”)
4. golazo (go-LAH-zoh) –  an exquisite goal, such as one blasted from 30 meters, or one headed into the top corner.
5. saque lateral (SAH-kay lat-ay-RAHL) – a throw-in
6. saque de meta (SAH-kay day MEH-tah) – goal kick
7. tiro de esquina (TEE-ro day es KEE-nah) – corner kick
8. fuera de lugar - (FWEAR-ah day loo GAR) – offsides (when the player gets past the last defender before the ball)
9. arbitro – (AHR-bee-troh) – the referee
10. “El arbitro dice que el balon no rueda mas!” - something the guy on Univision always says at the end of the 1st half or the end of the game.  It means, “The referee says that the ball rolls no more!”

Oh hell, there are thousands more, but this will get you started.  And if you happen to be interested in learning Spanish, then this is way more exciting than Rosetta Stone.

Truthfully, Spanish is a beautiful language; not just because it’s different or exotic.  There just seems to be an elan sprinkled into their game descriptions.  And the sheer joy that bursts forth with ANY goal is just awesome, even sometimes with the tear-jerking effects of a national anthem.  Even action-starved Americans wondering “when is something gonna happen, here?” can rejoice with fans once a golazo is scored.  It’s just awesome!

So, starting tomorrow morning, pour yourself a Dos Equis, make some huevos rancheros, and tune into the Spanish broadcast.  You may be wearing a sombrero before it’s all over.

NOW.  For those damn Slovenians.  I’ll love you when it’s over, but IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!  Friday morning!

USA!!!!  USA!!!!