On Renaming “Lupus”
Someday, someone will thank me for this.
Ever since I became Crusading Lupus Blogger Guy, I’ve run into some apathy and unawareness about the dreadful disease.
I guess this shouldn’t be surprising. People have their attention rightly focused on the real troubles in the world: cancer, obesity, the war in Afghanistan, Lebron James, and Lindsay Lohan texting while at court. Others among you remember the kid Timmy Lupus from The Bad News Bears; the poor fielder who got ketchup dumped inside his hat.
Yet, here is the real lupus, wrecking lives – including my own – and just flat out mauling people. But when you look at the word sound itself, “lupus” just doesn’t have the crispy oomph of a “bubonic plague” or “leprosy” where just the mention of the word elicits a shriek.
Instead, “lupus” sounds like something you’d put into a squirt bottle:
“Windex not getting the job done? Upgrade to FDA approved LUPUS for a cleaner shine.”
. . . . or perhaps a fancy circular Roman sculpture design:
“The famous Lupus quarries are found just south of the Vatican.”
So people hear about lupus and they make some big assumptions. First, that it’s not fatal. Second, that it’s not that big of a deal. Both are dangerously false, unfortunately!
The origin of ‘lupus’ goes back to the wolf face-shaped rash left upon the face during lupus flare-ups. This is one of umpteen symptoms, and generally among the mildest (the skin-related). There is a growing awareness of the severity of the disease, but there’s still not quite enough being done.
For my part, well, I’ve been commissioned – not by a panel, but by fate – to change the course of history. Because I have suffered long and hard, I have been commissioned to rename lupus properly, in order to (a) ascribe the proper deadliness to its name, (b) heighten awareness, and (c) expedite the discovery of a cure.
NO SMALL CRUSADE, EH? So let’s have some fun with this etymological experiment.
I’m going to make a list of potential new names for the disease. It cannot be subtle. It must be cutting. Sarcastic. Besmirching. Bramantian. Bloggessian. So dark and abysmal that the good dare not speak its name for fear of eternal punishment!
Here are my ideas, with a brief rationale for each. I would appreciate your vote in the comments section. Sorry, some profanity is necessary when venting about <disease soon to be renamed>.
- The Royal SWi-FU - . . . “SWi-FU” is an acronym for “System-Wide Fuck Up”. So the full name would be, “The Royal System-Wide Fuck Up.” It’s simple and direct and accurate. “Oh, you have the Royal Swi-Fu? Do you have a living will?” Plus, acronyms are hot. Look at all the A.I.D.S. funding!
- Rabid Hades Pox – . . . nasty, infernal, and complicated. But maybe this sounds too temporary and curable.
- Immuno Fail Fail . . . . Catchy and hints at the problem! Imagine if your nickname were “Oink-Oink” instead of just “Oink”, we’d really know you were a glutton. “You’ve got Immuno Fail Fail? You must really be sick!!”
- D.E.A.D. (Dysfunctional Everything Asshole Disease) - the most convenient acronym of D.E.A.D. but might be overstating things a bit. But you’d sure get someone’s attention if you were to mention how D.E.A.D. you were.
- Chronic Hellitis – which equals the daily Hellish inflammation of everything all the time. What life insurance agent hasn’t heard, “I had to miss four years of work because of Chronic Hellitis.”
- D’CAYMO – another acronym that would have to catch on with repetition. But hey, look at WYSIWYG and DILLIGAF and CPE1704TKS . You know those!! Ok, well, maybe not that third one, which was the secret computer code from War Games. Anyway, D’CAYMO is useful because it (a) sounds like slang for “Decay More,” and (b) stands for “Don’t Care About Your Major Organs.”
- ZX Dread Syndrome – Zs and Xs and the word ‘dread’ are attractive to the next generations. “Dude, I’ve got the ZX” should be met with universal concern by teens, skateboarders, and 20 somethings, who’ll be running the country soon. Oh God. Well, at least we have OBAMACARE. Oh God.
There are your seven candidates. Feel free to write in your own in the comments section, especially if you yourself have firsthand experience with this dreadful (if poorly named) condition called lupus!
Who knows? Maybe this will at least trigger more awareness. One friend and “co-sufferer” sent me a rather graphic story about someone she had known who had just succumbed to the disease. She was in her 30s. The end was not pretty, but her story was told and our fight goes on.
As for me, I’m looking a kidney transplant square in the face – probably within 6 months, precisely due to this <condition to be renamed soon>. But considering everything, I am happy to be here. I’m at least feeling well enough to write, vent, breathe, be with family, and relate to all of you in a unique way.
Finally, it’s no small thing to have read this far! Your support and encouragement through comments, email, the facebook page, Twitter, etc. are completely and totally life-giving. Thank you!
In the meantime, keep yourself strong. And don’t be surprised if your insurance company denies all your claims related to your Royal Swi-fu.
Jul 08, 2010
I must confess I’m not too familiar with Lupus, but I’ve read a little bit about it and I know a couple of people with Lupus and I think that living with such illness must suck terribly.
I don’t like its name either, for different reasons than yours, so I’m cool with a name change.
Jul 08, 2010
I agree, the name “Lupus” sounds gross and weird, like that girl in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” with the Gummy Bears in her pocket. It should have a name with a better ring to it. I suggest “Laser Eagle”. If you don’t choose Laser Eagle, I suggest a name with two words, and the second has to be an animal, i.e., Horror Aphid, Intrepid Mollusk.
Jul 08, 2010
I guess the attitude mentioned on FB is not a good one today. I don’t blame you. My aunt with lupus happens to be visiting me here in Oregon right now and I’m sure she’ll get a kick out of some of your renaming ideas. I don’t think any of them accurately tell how much lupus can fuck things up…but since you asked for a vote mine goes to Chronic Hellitis.
Jul 08, 2010
Chronic Hellitis. So very fitting.
Jul 09, 2010
Thanks for the comments, gang! Jay wins my favorite w/ Intrepid Mollusk, but Chronic Hellitis seems to be popular w/ everyone else . . so far!
Jul 09, 2010
Another vote for Chronic Hellitis!
Although I do hope it doesn’t make things worse for those who get diagnosed with lupus in the future. “I’m sorry, sir, but you have Chronic Hellitis.” That would ruin your month for sure.
Jul 09, 2010
How about Satanitis because this disease could only originate in the bowels of hell and should be named after the devil himself.
Jul 12, 2010
Thanks for the blog on renaming lupus! Not only do I work here, but I also have Chronic Hellitis with organ involvement. Your blog started off my week with a wonderful chuckle!
Jul 12, 2010
“Oh, you have the Royal Swi-Fu? Do you have a living will?”
Although it’s difficult to laugh about anything Lupus related, this blog entry was hilarious and had to brighten the day for a lot of Chronic Hellitis sufferers. I like the Royal Swi-Fu but it reminds me too much of the harmless swiffer floor cleaning thingy. “Our new and improved Royal Swi-Fu: twice as big at half the price!”
Jul 12, 2010
zapthelifeouttamelupititus= zap the life outta me luputititus
stupid lupus as my 5 year old grandaughter calls it when i cant play with her . this illness has zap the life out of me and there isnt a day that i dont have pain. im sure im not the only one and all those that have it know what im talking about . you take meds that dont really help you have nausea all the time , headache , belly ache body ache, skin all in a flare hair loss, nails that are brittle and falling out face in a rash not a pretty site nor is it pleasant for the person having a flare. wishing that thier lifes would be back to normal and that day just isnt happening. looking back and thinking what chould have i done to avoid this ” nothing” so we live our lives the best we can , meds , rest , darkness..i dont want to paint a grim picture but it is what it is….. sending you all lupie hugzzz and prayers that we can have better days to come and a cure is just around the corner….
Jul 13, 2010
I just wanted to say thank you for a humorous, but VERY TRUE, look at Lupus!!! I too have this DEADLY disease and I’m suffering most with the Congestive Heart Failure. Obviously, there are other organ issues which I won’t bore you with. If you need, or want, to talk I’m on facebook!
Melissa
Jul 14, 2010
I’ve had Lupus for 10 years now & it is amazing the amount of people who have no idea what it is. Everyone knows what cancer & aids are, but unless they know someone with Lupus it is a mystery. Not only does it need a scarier name but the pretty purple butterfly symbol should go. Gotta go with Chronic Hellitis as my pick. Thanks for lifting our spirits with your blog!
Jul 14, 2010
The Royal Swi-Fu!
Jul 14, 2010
[...] life-altering, and life-shortening disease Lupus (which he has unofficially renamed Chronic Hellitis) for several years and is now at the point of needing a kidney [...]