Like most public schoolteachers, my 4th grade teacher was insane.  Yet, my memories of her lend an interesting angle on the subject of judging whether or not some music sucks.  Let me explain.

Mrs. Kitchens was pleasant enough, but she brought a fresh batch of crazy every day to the 4th grade classroom.  Like the time she issued a test to see how our constructive/analytical skills were growing by giving us a brief 10 question test.  I will paraphrase the first nine questions since I don’t remember them exactly.  But the 10th question I remember clear as a bell.  It went like this:

FACT or OPINION?

1. The United States flag is red, white, and blue.  F  O
2. A rat is a rodent.  F  O
3. Beans are yummy.  F  O
4. Some taco shells are crunchy.  F  O
5. That’s Incredible is a hilarious TV show.  F  O
6. Adult giraffes are tall.  F  O
7. Michigan is the ugliest state in the whole world.  F  O
8. Snakes are scary.  F  O
9. Todd’s shirt is wet.  F  O
10. Your feet stink.  F  O

How did you do?  1-9 are fairly obvious, and I remember thinking as much during the quiz.

But as I got to #10, I had my first Ferris Bueller moment, a moment when I knew that I knew that my answer wouldn’t be the right answer, but the best answer.

I checked “F” for “Fact” of course.

As Looney Tunes Kitchens read through the correct answers, there were fist pumps and “yeahs” throughout by the kids, even at #10.  But when she said the answer to the stinky feet question was “Opinion” I had to stand up.

“THAT’S NOT AN OPINION!” I shouted.

“Really?  What if I enjoy that person’s foot odor?” she replied.

Everyone caught the irony . . . all 20 nine year olds were looking at each other, thinking, “Well, he’s got her there.”

So.  When someone sitting next to you on an airplane rips off his shoes and socks, how does it go, generally?  Like this?

YES!  I’m afraid it goes exactly like that!

So, getting around to the original question, but phrasing it in a new way:  HOW IS THIS ANY DIFFERENT THAN SOMEONE BLARING HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH THROUGH BAD EARPHONES, RADIO STATION, OR A PUBLIC MUSIC SYSTEM?

Really.  You get the same facial expression and olfactory assault and aural battery . . . all that.

So we’re back to this basic question: what makes music stink?

Well, what makes feet stink?

<long silence>

My Tennessee buddy Jon Human made a terrific point in the first comment section of this series, basically saying that it made him HAPPY that it takes all kinds of music to make everyone HAPPY.  Furthermore, that we as musicians have a jaded ear for all the goings on of the public music offering, and have to make extra strides to hit the mute button on our opinions.  He is one smart dude with a mature perspective.

But the debate is so tempting.  Sure, there are some famous quotes (“To each his own,” which I hate) and I suppose you can’t generalize taste when it comes to art.   Just like Kitchens liking the odor of fungus feet, some people just have to have their Aerosmith fix.  Some people eat raw oysters, which is to me the culinary equivalent of listening to Eric Clapton (a.k.a. barf induction).  Some people appreciate toasters stapled to the ceiling (and calling it ‘art’) while others do flips for perfect black circles.

Alas, while the conversation can provoke deep emotions, no justification should be needed for me or anyone else.  ”I just LIKE IT” must be enough because, well, it is for me.  Defending my affection for IDM (sparse, hazy, ambient, bleepy electronic music) can be difficult when discussing music with Mr. Mullet-Head, but it needs no real justification other than the deep satisfaction it gives me.

And should we even discuss the greatness / horror that is Daniel D. Johnston?  That’s a whole new debate on its own!  I happen to adore him and his work deeply, yet can completely understand how people would run screaming in the other direction.

So I suppose I lose.  I must accept the fact that stinky feet (e.g. G ‘n R) make people happy and that I should be happy that it makes them happy.  So grows my amazement at the mysteries of life.  Just remember that it’s still OK to have your opinion!  SAY IT SUCKS.  Just pre-empt it with “to me” or “in my opinion.”  Better yet, sprinkle in some sarcasm.

“In my humble opinion, Steven Tyler sure has bleated his way to new pastures.”

“Well!  Bon Jovi’s new music sure sounds wonderful and original.”

“Well!  From all appearances, Darius Rucker must not have redeemed those coupons I sent him.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh sorry!  It’s still fun to poke fun.  Welcome to the Jungle.  Let’s discuss at the pub.