Don’t spit out your energy drink, but I’m turning over a new leaf.  At least for the next 20 minutes.

Yeah, even me – I’m sick of being sick of everything – complaining. Sort of like when Tony Montana realized he’d snorted just a tiny bit too much cocaine and started giving spot-tracheotomies with his AK-47, it occurred to me that I was about two more sarcastic, sad-sack comments away from being called a crybaby . . or at least self-imploding in negativity lava.

Again, this remorse will probably pass soon, so I thought I should take action quickly by trying a little experiment.  How about 10 positive nuggets of lifey, cuddly joy you didn’t know about me?  Why the hell not?  And who cares if Fred Rogers is rolling over in his grave?

Actually, we have sweet little demonic Sarah Bray to blame for this, and her evil self-discovery experiment.  During her blog-induced bootcamp, she recently led followers through a simple exercise of determining “perceived online persona” vs. your “actual persona.”   In other words, whether you have a blog, micro-blog, or website, do people perceive the real you, or the online you?  More importantly, is there a difference between these two?

To my shame, I half-assed the homework Sarah ordered, but I have actually drawn out some conclusions about myself.  Namely, that the churlish pessimist I fancy myself to be is really just a costume I wear.  (wife has been bribed for silence with massage coupons; thanks babe!).  Yes, I can be a difficult “bar steward” at times, and I do NOT always handle adversity well, evidenced for example by the dents in our drywall from chucked toddler tennis shoes (better – and smaller than – chucked toddler dents).  Yes, I will correct your grammar until you are dead, and no, I will probably never make the bed, even if the President of the United States is coming over.

Yet, I can name 2 people – and several neighborhood cats – who think I’m a swell guy.  In fact, they might be a bit surprised to know I’m really the Friction Writer. (“Clark Kent is Superman?”  (onlookers die laughing))  So these 10 things, while fascinatingly positive, do describe the actual me:  a nice suburban daddy-type and husband with an eclectic past and an even odder present.  The churlish pessimist is simply the Jungian shadow.

HAPPY FACTOID #10

I make up funny stuff that gets belly laughs out of my kids. It’s true!  Ask any of my 5 kids to sing daddy’s baked/skat version of Camptown Racetrack (the doo-dah, doo-dah song), or to chase you with the Quick Squid (whose berserking trigger is simply saying “GOLDFRAPP! GOLDFRAPP!” ad nauseam)

HAPPY FACTOID #9

I have improved my demeanor in traffic by 71% since 2005.  This is also true!  I have been cut-off, ignored, bumper-shaved, drafted, and cornered into near death ditch visits . . . and I’ve greeted them all with smiles.  This is because I have doled all of these OUT at some point, and I’m just glad to survive the returned Karma.  Have a nice day!

HAPPY FACTOID #8

I can raise either of my eyebrows by itself without scrunching the other one down.  Most people can only do one or none.  I can do both.  This is a positive because I win!  I’m unique!

HAPPY FACTOID #7

I basically worship taco trucks and lift their name up to the world. This doesn’t earn me any points with Pentecostals, but hot, authentic, inexpensive tacos basically do what the church tries to do (and fails):  make your miserable life into a victorious one.  No thanks to Jay Rascoe, aka Guns And Tacos, I will now swerve dangerously in traffic anytime there’s a taco truck in view.  Note:  this may be why the traffic statistic in Happy Factoid #9 isn’t even higher.

Havv s'more dad bern seerup!

HAPPY FACTOID #6

I once had a huge country breakfast at former Houston Oiler coach Bum Phillips’ house with Bum and his wife.  I ate pancakes and sausage until reaching critical mass, and left speaking with a wicked drawl.

HAPPY FACTOID #5

I once beat Ivan Lendl in an ABC Sports Fantasy Challenge. I was given a 6-0, 5-0, 40-love lead against the former #1 tennis player in the world . . . and basically kicked his ass.*

HAPPY FACTOID #4

I have two full-length electronic releases on I-Tunes under the name Skandalon.  In fact we were once slated to open for Missing Persons show here in Houston, but they cancelled the tour and shattered our dreams forever.

HAPPY FACTOID #3

I cook, clean, and can even do my own laundry.  While this earns me funny looks from macho types (auto mechanics, hunter/fishermen, anyone from Tennessee), it comes quite in handy when your wife works full time, and you, uh, don’t.  I am deadly with a Swiffer.

HAPPY FACTOID #2

I won the spelling bee in 5th grade.  But, Mrs. Klindt, the vilest dipshit teacher in the universe, forgot about regionals.  I cried in the bathroom.  Mrs. Klindt apologized.  I did not forgive her.

HAPPY FACTOID #1

I just completed this happy list. Did you see that?  10 positive things from Grumpy Ol’ Mr. Jowls.  Yes, Friction Writer has the happy face today, world.

There.  How’s that?  If you wish to call shenanigans, please leave it in the comment section, where my wife (or other designated arbiter) will, um, arbitrate!

*Happy Factoid #5 is, unfortunately, completely false.  But I always imagined it would be cool to kick Lendl’s commie, tennis-playin’ ass on national TV.