Austin – Texas Governor Rick Perry announced Tuesday that the weekend of June 5-6 will be officially called “Customer Disservice Weekend.”

In response to hard economic times, Texas businesses of all shapes and sizes are being given a “free weekend pass” on serving their customers well.  

All manner of law, policy, pricing, and common decency are being thrown out the window, just to give owners and employees everywhere a weekend off with full pay, and to give pesky consumers their just desserts.

“Frankly, I wish we’d just shut the doors completely,” complained local tire store attendant Judd Blanks.  ”These customers just keep comin’ and comin’ and I never git my smoke break.”

Here’s basically how the legislation works:  

1. No business may have more than 10% of its normal staffing for customer service related inquiries
2. All warranties and service contracts become completely null and void
3. Employees may bring all their problems to work, and unleash hell-fury upon all consumers
4. Customer service employees may give silent treatment to customers at any time
5. Requests for refunds or returns may be met with uproarious laughter and ridicule
6. Your threatening tone as you ask to “see a manager” may be cause for violent retaliation

While the legislation is aimed at giving businesses a well-deserved hiatus from doing what the hell they promised, the real beneficiaries will be minimum-wage teenagers.  

“I’m finally gonna get to tell these people what the **** is up,” said Caleb Crimp, a sacker at Super Target.  ”I can’t wait to see if some old lady tries to give me some ***-in’ quarters again.”

When challenged about the rationale behind this unprecedented move, state spokespeople said unflinchingly, “The sales tax-free weekends really helped the consumers.  Now it’s time to give the nod to the businesses out there who are just tired of dealing with people, making change for their $100 bills, and swiping their credit cards.”

Some consumer groups were left wondering, “Why all the fuss?” since customer service apathy is so rampant anyway.  

“Do we really need to condone this behavior with state-issued lazy passes?” asked Sally Stampoff, Chief Nannigan of C.A.T. (Consumer Advocates of Texas).  ”This is like giving Fun Dip to cure a hyperactive 5 year old.”

Local shoppers confirmed that they expected to see no difference in their purchasing transactions.  ”I dunno. Should be the same *** different day, you know?”  offered Joe Smallsteiner, a schoolteacher.  ”We’re so desensitized to the abuse – we’re like zombies, man.”  

Local entrepreneur Boo Boxer, owner of Boo’s Boot Repair Stand, wrung his hands with delight at the announcement.  ”You know that sign we have that says ‘We’re number 1 at customer service?’ – - well, we’re gonna at a “2″ to it and make it 21st!”

No one at the Better Business Bureau was available for comment.

Sorry to rail with intense sarcasm today!  A friend of mine and I just had a long trail of weekend horror stories of blatant customer disservice.  I feel better now!  JT