Everyone knows – since it’s so obvious – that the way to kill a zombie is to blow its brains out.  

Duh!

You might not think that Max Brooks’ book World War Z – An Oral History of the Zombie War would be rich with metaphor for small business.  Tut tut!  I happen to know many business owners who deal with zombies everyday – their employees. 

How are small business employees – even managers and VPs – like zombies?  Here are five ways:

1. They move in slow limps
2. They are single-minded and think only of their own survival
3. They can kill you
4. They can infect others
5. They ooze brown goop when their limbs are ripped out

OK, number 5 may be a stretch, but here’s the point.  I have listened to many clients bemoan the fact that “My people just don’t care” and “I’ve tried everything to bring this person around”.  I make light of it, but it really frustrates hard-working owners who want people to inherit their hearts for what they’re trying to do.  Despite their best intentions, they just can’t get more than minimum effort out of their staff.  

This can literally kill a small business.  So what can an owner do?

AIM GUN FOR BRAINS

There are really only two possible scenarios here.  First, the business owner has not trained, developed, or managed his people well enough.  The “lack of management, period” is indeed a scourge in small business.  If this is the case, the business owner must build a comprehensive training program, management routine, and career path for every employee.  

This is part and parcel of building a strong culture, without which few businesses can survive.

If, however, his people really just don’t care and he really has tried everything, he ought not hesitate.  He should aim his gun at their worthless zombie brains and do them a favor.  FIRE!

I have heard a ton of excuses for not firing people.  They include:

1. Well, I haven’t given them enough of a chance
2. Well, we can’t afford to be short handed right now, it’ll kill us
3. Well, she knows the system better than anyone
4. Well, I just can’t bring myself to do it

To borrow a term from supermodel Kathy Ireland (who we hope may have a zombie encounter of her own someday), all of these can be summed up as OSTRICHING.  Yes, that’s head in the sand.  Not wanting to deal with confrontation.  Hiding in the closet while zombies are closing in!  Do those zombies a favor (and your business a favor, too) by flexing your Terminator muscle.  BLAM!  BLAM BLAM!  goes Schwarzenegger.  “Yoah tehrminettid.”

RUNNING A BUSINESS TAKES BRAINS & GUTS

Now that you’re resolved to blast away when necessary, a few final points.  First, you must keep a record of all discrepancies as they happen, be it in a log, journal, or spreadsheet.  This will be your, ahem, “alibi” when authorities come around knocking, wondering why you “killed the zombie!”  It will also be an objective standard that’ll make you feel justified and the discarded zombie less litigious.  

Second, the early things you detect as problems with new employees may be things to be developed; the “fodder” of how you manage them.  Don’t fire people prematurely.  You simply must be able to distinguish between those who will help your vision with character, skill and dedication and those who will not.

In other words, who’s a zombie and who’s a keeper?

Related articles:  The Good Manager’s Tool Kit O’ Questions