Fatigue, Hospital Gown Push Me Over Edge, To Sabbatical
I began a sabbatical on 8/1/09 because of chronic health issues. This has been no light decision and has had many variables. Instead of sending an email explaining facts, I found it best to express the events here, in sort of a journal / story type delivery. It isn’t the complete history, but it’s enough.
~
“Is that a, uhhh, praying mantis?” I asked.
“No,” replied the cardiologist.
“Well whatizzit?” I asked, still dulled by the pain meds.
We both sat staring at the large video screen of the cardiac cath room. In my amused state, the red, insect-shaped blot in my chest didn’t look alarming; just curious.
To Dr. Kar, it was obviously disconcerting.
“This is your L.A.D. – your Left Anterior Descending artery. It’s 100% blocked.”
“Oh,” I said.
“This other one over here is also 60% blocked,” he continued.
“Oh,” I said, a bit more quietly.
“The only reason you haven’t had a heart attack is here,” he continued, pointing to a cluster of collateral arteries that had developed around the heart. ”These are what saved you.”
At that moment, something strange happened: I regained an awareness of my hospital gown – such a ridiculous, shameful garment. Such an ugly, perfect metaphor for my poor health since 2000.
I found out later that the L.A.D. – and any obstruction thereof – is called the “Widow Maker”. Lovely, right? Here I am, 39 years old, husband, and father of five, hearing the term “Widow Maker” applied to the most major of my vital organs. All of this while draped in my swanky hospital gown showing partial buttocks.
This was enough.
My Sickness, Not My Excuse
We’re all sick of hearing about how sick people are right? Me too. But in case you’ve never heard it, my short story goes like this: In 2000, I had a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) in my left leg. This basically means I “threw a blood clot”. Clots sometimes go to your brain (stroke) or to your lungs and can kill you. I survived and was given a lifetime prescription of blood thinners.
18 months later, I developed serious arthritis and began losing clumps of hair. In December, 2002, I was told I had Lupus. After many months and years of sickness and failing treatments – both western and holistic, I had no choice but Prednisone (a common steroid) to manage symptoms. These six+ years of steroid use have likely been the main culprit in the hardening arteries – hence the praying mantis found in my LAD.
In the midst of all this, I started Oberata Consulting in June, 2005. Part of this launch was because I needed to leave my former job – a stressful sales position with an organization lacking a healthy culture. It was a good move. I could now work from a home office, call my own shots, and do what I loved: teach, learn, interact, and help people to manage themselves and their small businesses.
Like any beginning consultant, I had my hiccups. But after 4 years, I’d really begun to find a confident groove. Yet my health hadn’t improved as much as we’d hoped. Even though the stress felt different (from sales guy to business owner), I still couldn’t negotiate it safely. Despite dealing with many concepts about balance and the ‘purpose of problems’ I just couldn’t get to that higher level of existence where I was confidently calling shots, hitting goals, and really winning. I was burning lots of energy – lots of oil – and the engine was hot.
Surprise, right? Running a business is hard! I’ve been so stubborn at times to not even admit this. Now that I can admit it, it’s still difficult because now I feel like a hypocrite. After dealing with so many clients about their own issues running their businesses, I’m experiencing some of the failures I’ve guided them through. And I can’t hack it.
Have you ever seen one of those guides for finding a good business consultant? One of the key factors is “find out if their own business is successful!” HA! What a great idea and a curse all at once. See, the thing is, I have been successful on many fronts, but I don’t have the white papers and millions in revenues to prove it.
Visiting onsite with Suzanne Locker of ABC Pet Resort
What do I have? Some data, some testimonials, increasing revenues in each successive year, and, best of all, some earnest conversations with clients that have validated my effort. Really. The negative voices haven’t been completely silenced, but they’re really far off. This is good!
The other thing? Even though stating it plainly can be a slippery slope, I feel like I have established authenticity. Authenticity is one of the most vital elements in the consultant – client relationship. What does that mean?
Here’s what it doesn’t mean (necessarily): “I’ve conquered this problem, Mr. Client, and here’s how you conquer it.” It can also mean, “Mr. Client, I am having this exact same problem in my own organization, and I haven’t figured it out yet. But here’s what I am trying. What are you trying? What ought we practice together?”
Man, talk about pure asbestos for your proposal. How do you demonstrate authenticity as a value up front? It’s sickening in a way, and scary for the consultant. Is this really a value? I think it is. It’s probably the biggest thing I’ve discovered, in fact. Authenticity is the approach that says “I don’t know it all, and we can only do this together.” It’s a perfect synchronicity, because people aren’t looking so much for a solution, a program, or a method. They want another person who will listen, has some expertise and experience, and can keep them focused. That’s it. The rest is really DIY; people really already know what to do; it’s just a matter of focus and consistency. My greatest successes have been with clients who understand this and capitalize on it.
That’s why there’s hope as I enter my sabbatical: I can do a lot. There are, however, a lot of questions that remain unanswered, including, “How long is your sabbatical?” ”How will you pay all your bills?” ”What are your goals for your sabbatical?” “How will you know when to come back?” ”What will you come back to do?”
I have to be OK not answering all of these right now. What I do know: I’ll be reading a lot, writing / blogging a lot (please keep reading & commenting), and may perhaps resurrect some old music projects. I’ve got to recharge everything, and that’s tough. Right now, I’m facing lots of fun ‘doctor play’ including heart bypass surgery on 9/4/09. I expect to feel tons better after that . . . and will likely be able to exert more (exercise more), feel better, do more, etc. To be sure, I have a lot hounding me right now, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Yes, there are millions who have it worse than I do, but I need this break, no matter the consequences. I have awesome family, an awesome wife, and incredible friends who have been so supportive it’s just ridiculous.
A silly moment with the wife
As for Oberata Consulting, the lights will be on. I’ll keep up the website, the blog posts, the email, and of course the PHONE (not that it rings all that often). I love what I’ve been able to build and we’ll see where it goes.
No sidebar here – I am so grateful to the amazing people who have invested so much into me: Colleen, Shawn, Kay, Eric, Rachel, Randy, John, MOM, Jeremy, Bill, Blain, David, the entire Total Integration team, all my clients, everyone at BNI Flagship NE, and even a few snarky experts that I follow online (you know who you are).
So here I go a-resting. For a while, I’m going to leave “business owner” off my name tag. Instead, it’s husband, daddy, friend, and, mostly, human being looking to really live.
As a final note, instead of accepting your “thoughts & prayers” promises, I would much rather hear directly from you. Just send me an email, a comment, or call! I find this is much closer to God in Action than submitting holy requests in private. Plus, in this case, I get to hear what you really hope and think.
Thanks,
Jeff Timpanaro
Aug 10, 2009
It’s funny how you think that being your own boss will solve your stress-related problems. Then you find out that YOU are the hardest, most unforgiving boss that ever existed!
Congrats on taking a sabbatical, and I’m really glad we’ll still be hearing from you (though don’t feel bad if you need to take an online break, too.) Your health really is the most valuable thing you can achieve at this point!
Aug 10, 2009
Thank you Sarah! I am an SOB to myself sometimes . . .
Aug 10, 2009
Thanks for the update. You are an amazing person and friend and I’m better for knowing you the last… what 15 years? When you get better, I expect that I will still drub you on the golf course but also to be throttled on the tennis court (I’m not looking forward to that humiliation). Thanks for all of your encouragement. It means more than you know even if you don’t SEE any results.
Aug 10, 2009
Ken – you were undoubtedly placed in my life to keep me unhealthily competitive (read: angry!) but damn it’s been fun. You’ve been an awesome friend & support as well. And yes you will get flattened on the tennis court . . maybe I’ll just be OK humoring you at golf with imitated celebrity swings.
Aug 10, 2009
Have to agree with Sarah. YOU are far more important that what you do. Human being, not human doing. Cliche I know but true. Holy requests in private!!! LOL! Please keep writing! I bet most of spirit world is retelling your commentary with glee!
And regarding that shameful gown we’ve all be humiliated in, I have a possible solution for it. Wear nothing. Now let’s see whose face turns red Doc.
(actually did this once in the army…it worked until it was time for the prostate exam – I guess you never really win
Hang in there!
Aug 10, 2009
BTW, your site is number 4,069,759 in traffic ranking on Alexa. That’s a top 20% finish for Oberata!!!! Hey you beat over 4 billion other sites. How’s that for tangible? Hey you beat netflix.com!
Aug 10, 2009
Thanks, E! Hilarious gown strategy. And yes the writing will continue whether I like it or not!
Aug 10, 2009
Jeff, I can’t think of a better way to frame this chapter of your life. Thanks for the authenticity with which you’ve shared this post. I share the idea that we all need to drop the pretenses and false indicators of “success,” returning instead to those timeless indicators of TRUE happiness… health, family, true friends, and joy.
Great stuff, and I’m sure even greater stuff to come!
Aug 10, 2009
Shawn: Thanks for the support! You’ve provided a great template for coolness (design & WP) for all of my rantings! Thanks for being a great megaphone for me, Oberata, & even skandalous musical forays!
Aug 10, 2009
Oh wait, I LOVE WRITING!
Aug 10, 2009
JT – you are the man! The gladiator that won’t settle for less than turbo-life! Looking forward to the upgrade on the 4th. I have some new racquets on order that need a worthy opponent… Let’s hang this week when you get a chance…
MT.
Aug 11, 2009
thanks Mark. if I ever say, “I quit” . . just listen for the weed whacker. WRRZZZZZZZZZZZ! I’ll crank it back up!
Aug 10, 2009
G’day Jeff,
Man… you are always trying to be a pioneer and to step away from the pack, but this is not a good way of doing it.
Wishing you a prompt recovery and many more years of outstanding business coaching.
Mucha suerte Amigo!
Aug 11, 2009
Luis:
Tu has estado una gran influencia para mi! Gracias por su apoyo (profesional, relacional, y con mi enferemedad) . . .
Let’s keep in touch . .
JT
Aug 10, 2009
Jeff-as always your writing is touching, funny, disarming, and thoughtful. I am so glad you will continue to write! On a thoughtful note…as I was reflecting on the intensity of this crossroads for you, I was reminded of Richard Rohr’s “go to” for re-locating Center. He sits and meditates on:
Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still.
Be.
During this time, you are being challenged to BE. It’s funny but the “I am” example God gave us is SO deep. He wasn’t saying “I am all powerful/all knowing (defining and positive descriptors to embed in a first impression) or “I am the Creator” (one of His job descriptions) but “I am”. I hear this differently now. We are called to walk in the humility and security of BE/I am. It is outside of your defining yourself as a business owner, a cardiac patient, an aspiring icon of health.
It boggles the human mind to simply say “I am” and not complete the sentence.
This is my prayer for you (and for all of us!!!)–that each day this becomes more true, deeper fills each pore with His presence. A sabbatical-to be- is an ambitious undertaking and one you are chosen for at this time.
best,
Rachel
Aug 11, 2009
wow, I am going to have to meditate on THAT response! Thanks for your support on all fronts, Rachel.
Aug 10, 2009
Hey Jeff, thanks for the update; good thing you are taking care of yourself; you will be so much better after this; health wise, business wise; husband and father wise…..and you may be able to get 5 points on me in ping pong, lol.
Seriously, you are a good friend and I wish you a speedy recovery
Aug 11, 2009
Hey, I got double digits on you at least once or twice. You are going down!
Thanks for the encouragement. Let’s hook up soon.
Aug 10, 2009
Hey Jeff,
You are authentic and I appreciated your coaching that created a freedom to exercise it. It sounds like your circumstances are taking you to the next level. I think authenticity is an expression of freedom. If your definition of freedom is to be free to choose to grow to your potential in spite of what life throws at you, it sounds like you are gearing up for an incredible journey and your sabbitcal may not be one as we know it.
When I see someone going through something that I can’t understand or even begin to comprehend I can’t help but think of God’s character and his promises. You have been chosen; you have been given a future and a hope; and you have been guaranteed a victory! I can’t wait to hear and see what unfolds!
Terri
Aug 11, 2009
You’re a great encourager, Terri! Thanks for your kind words & affirmation. You were such a great client and are a great friend!
Aug 10, 2009
Jeffe~
Kudos to you, my friend. For having the guts to take a sabbatical in this crazy gotta-go-gotta-do kind of world. For having the guts to write about it and post it in a public place. For having the guts to do what is best for you, your health, and your family. (For making me cry when I didn’t wanna…)
Words are escaping me at the moment, but know that my heart is full. When I see you, I see a whole and healthy man. A man who cherishes his wife, children, and self enough to take a huge risk. A man who makes the time and effort to live for each moment. Fully.
We are with you, my friend. As you traverse this portion of your journey, know that we are standing with you and your dear family through it all.
Much love!
K:)
PS If you so much as mention any of my grammatical errors above, I’ll have to make extra snarky remarks about your hospital gown when we come to visit!
Aug 11, 2009
Can’t really find words to respond well to this . . . just ‘wow’
See y’all very soon for hugs and ummm, what. Pinot Noir? Titans game? Boring Indy race??
Aug 10, 2009
Jeff:
I am touched your story. 9/4 happens to be my birthday. My prayers will be with you that day. (Special Prayers, Regular Prayers everyday) May 9/4 be a celebration to you for many years to come as the start of a new life.
Aug 11, 2009
Jack: thank you for checking in and for your support. I’ll let you know how everything goes – - hopefully a great day all around on 9/4
Aug 10, 2009
Hey Cousin! I have a great idea, you should be a professional writer, you are awesome! Sometimes I forget what you are going through, glad to hear such positive tones in how you are dealing with everything. It cannot be easy! As you know we are all here for you! Enjoy your time, it will go fast!!! Have I told you how much I love you lately? Te quiero mucho… Cuidate, y te mando muchos besos, tu prima favorita
Tammy
Aug 11, 2009
Those are some inspiring words, mi prima! Seriously, I appreciate that very much . . let’s keep in touch.
Aug 10, 2009
Well my friend, doesn’t sound like this decision was made in your head – congratulations! I’ll be looking forward to seeing what the next stage reveals for you, in you, and to us.
Cheers Mate!
Aug 11, 2009
Thanks Bill . . . we should start our own Cardiac Kid Competition Reality Show. You know, see who can survive the longest drinking Guinness and lifting semis with one arm.
Aug 11, 2009
You seem to have a VERY positive outlook on things which will be very helpful in your recovery!!
I am very glad to hear that you are going to continue to write as I love to read your Authenticity!! It is always insightful, funny and full of wisdom!
I haven’t gotten a chance to play much golf, but maybe we can get out there sometime when it cools off!
Take it easy and relax! Our prayers will be with you my friend!!!
Aug 11, 2009
THX DC. Golf should at least be on one of these here burners.
JT
Aug 11, 2009
Jeff – We are very blessed to have such a wonderful, thoughtful, witty, loving nephew. Uncle Al and I wish you the best. Now you have to repeat what Peeps use to say, “I’m just fine” before and after your surgery. We love you, Uncle Al “the kiddies pal” and Auntie Gayle.